tk all the way

I love this series on HelloGiggles.

Nicole Shabtai writes about the things she learns from her grandma (who’s ill, but still super fine - I mean the woman gets gel manicures for Pete’s sake).

I read all the articles during lunch one day at work and couldn’t stop tearing up. It made me think of my own grandma and how much I missed her. I haven’t seen my grandma in twelve years. She died eight years ago.

The last time I saw her I was fourteen. I spent the summer in Korea with my aunt. At that point, the Alzheimer’s was getting pretty bad. She was losing her mind. She couldn’t remember who I was. She thought my aunt was her sister. She looked ashen all the time. She cried randomly throughout the day. She threw temper tantrums. It was hard on me. I got back to the States and told my parents that I never wanted to see her like that again. And I didn’t. 

Two summers before she died, my dad went back to Korea to see his mother for the last time. He wanted me to come and I couldn’t do it. I hadn’t heard her voice in almost three years. My parents called Korea on Sunday mornings when the time different wasn’t so bad. I’d feign sleep until I’d hear them talking and then I’d shut myself in the bathroom so I wouldn’t have to talk to her. It wasn’t even her. She was gone. 

She lived with us in the States from the time Charlie was born until I turned ten. My aunt came from Korea to take her mother home. (To die. Grandma’s words - not mine. Though she kicked around for another eight years.)

I think of her often. Especially this past year as I planned me + Mo’s wedding. My mom suggested that I have someone walk an 8x10 photo of her down the aisle during the processional. “All your grandma knew was you and your brother.” I opted to hold a picture of her, Charlie and me in my pocket. I didn’t want everyone to see. I wanted to keep her to myself.

In the photo, we are sitting in the backyard on a straw mat outside my old house. Charlie’s three - in his underwear and bowl cut. I’m wearing a blue dress and resting between his legs. We look at the camera. My grandma sits next to us smiling, looking at me and Charlie. It’s all she knew.